The Lobster Dance

Today’s post is a recap of The Haunting (1963). Tomorrow, I’ll do a slightly more serious post comparing the 1963 version to the 1999 version, and I’ll review the book later this month.

It took me forever to even find this because there’s like 1000 movies called “The Haunting of Somebody or Other” and most video sites are like, “YOU WANT HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL RIGHT.” I literally watched House on Haunted Hill every year for THREE FUCKING YEARS and was like “where the heck are the queer women.” Goddammit.

Let’s get some of those characters introduced. Dr. Markway is a ghost anthropologist I GUESS. Eleanor was the caregiver for her now-deceased mother and lives with her sister and brother-in-law, who treat her like crap. Going to Hill House is going to be a great adventure. She’s defying gravity, and letting go, and this is definitely where the “I wish” song portion of my new hit musical The Haunting happens.

The caretaker’s wife gives a spooky speech to Eleanor about why no one stays after dark, in the night, and Eleanor checks out the shared with a sick clawfoot tub. On the other side of that bathroom is another bedroom, which another guest, Theodora occupies. Mrs. Dudley is giving Theodora the same speech and Theo is having none of it. Eleanor is impressed by this level of sass. See also: “How did you know my nickname is Nel?” “Nel is the affectionate term for Eleanor.” That leopard print! That tie! USING THEO AS A NICKNAME. GAL PALS SPOTTED.

Baby Russ Tamblyn (Dr. Jacoby from Twin Peaks) plays Luke Sanderson, the fourth member of the party. Theo and Nel, you need to shovel yourself out of the shit! Our ghost anthropologist has invited the women here because Theo has ESP and Eleanor has had a childhood poltergeist experience. Baby Dr. Jacoby is the nephew of Mrs. Sanderson, the owner’s nephew and heir.

Markway tells them the story of Hugh Crain, who built the house for his wife, who was killed in a carriage accident on the way into the estate. Their child Abigail grew up in the nursery and never left, making it her bedroom when she was old and in poor sick, being attended by a caregiver. The caregiver snuck out to get busy with her boyfriend, and Abigail died alone in the room, banging her cane on the wall while no one came. The caregiver then hanged herself from the spiral staircase in the garden.

Theo is quick with the puns, which means she’s bi, obviously. Bi folks love puns.

The party breaks up to go to bed, and Theo is like “if you’re nervous you can hang out in my room! Can I come in? BREAKFAST DATE.” You know, “coffee date” was the same line I kept using on my now-partner as a “I like you hint hint” so chew on that, Hayes Code.

There’s a spooky knocking on the walls and a roaring groaning outside the room. Terrified, Eleanor rushes into Theo’s room. That was not “just a noise,” that was some lion and sound mixing business. The doorknob is rattling now, which is a big #fuckno. THEO WHY DIDN’T YOU LOCK THE DOOR.

Can I just say the cinematography of the house with no straight angles (another queer joke?) is lovely? Having the camera pan at odd angles without showing what’s roaring at the door is clever, and I’m really digging this “not seeing the ghost” ambiguity.

The next morning, Eleanor gets up looking refreshed af and wearing cuter clothes. Dr. Markway asks if she’s hiding a dark romantic secret. :looks at the camera: Eleanor, I believe in you, get that girl! During this conversation, Dr. Markway says his family is super Victorian: practical and conventional. The Victorians LOVED ghosts and fairies, my dude. “Now tell me about last night,” he says. #girltalk Markway talks about ancient humans being frightened to death of natural phenomena. Eleanor says she’s more afraid of being left alone or left out than the supernatural. Theo is afraid of “knowing what I really want.” Theooooo.

Some spooky ghost or human wrote Eleanor’s name in chalk on the wallpaper. Theo is super rude to Eleanor to “take her mind off” the writing on the wall. Man, cold, Theo.

The four decide to check out the house, starting with the the creepy garden statues of the family. Theo says Luke can be the family dog. Shots fired. Eleanor has a strong olfactory reaction at the library that reminds her of her mother’s sick room. Markway is super nice about it, good job! Eleanor goes to the balcony, where she has some weird suicidal ideation ghost times and nearly falls off the balcony.

Meanwhile, in GalPalla, Theo and Eleanor are literally painting their nails and drinking brandy. “By the time I’m through with you, Nel, you’ll be a different person.” “Oh, it’s wicked,” Nel says, checking out her pink toenails.

Theo apparently has a pronounless partner who loves fixing up their apartment with junk–and isn’t married. Haaaaaayes Code. Eleanor, who has never really drank before, is now drunk af and never wants to leave Hill House. Gal pals times are interrupted by the men finding a cold spot in the hall in front of the nursery.

Okay, I guess we’re sleeping in the same bed now? Theo is ESPing Eleanor really intensely and starts gaslighting Nel about her mom, which is not cool. They go to sleep, but then Gregorian chants/new age music happening outside and giggling, as well as creepy faces on the wall.

Eleanor is scared and asks Theo not to speak and to hold her hand. Theo is squeezing the heck out of Nel’s hand when PLOT TWIST, the lights come on and Eleanor was on the fainting couch the whole time and not in bed! WHOSE HAND WAS SHE HOLDING.

Eleanor, like Abigail Crain’s caretaker, didn’t answer her knocks on the wall and her mom died.

“Lust! Daughter preserve thyself!” Crain made a book for Abigail and it’s also Haaaaaaayes Code. Theo is sassing Eleanor again and to what end? Do you have to be mean to her because you like her and an un-understanding society won’t let you smooch her?  Nel tells Theo, “The world is full of inconsistencies, unnatural things….You, for instance!” DAMN NEL.

Markway’s wife Grace, a skeptic, shows up at this point. She decides to stay in the nursery because Eleanor tips her off that it’s haunted and she doesn’t believe in ghosts, and wants to prove ghosts aren’t real to her husband. Markway can’t open the nursery because he doesn’t have the key, but OH SNAP IT’S OPEN. Eleanor is worried that Grace showing up means she’ll have to leave.

Eleanor and Theo have parlor duty. Luke silently walks into the parlor where Markway, Eleanor, and Theo are and gets a bottle of booze. The door slams. The pounding starts again and the door starts rattling and warping. Eleanor thinks the ghost is looking for her, but it heads for the nursery where Grace is. Eleanor sneaks off to meet the thing since it knows her name, as evidenced by the writing on the wall. Eleanor, then Dr. Markway run to the nursery, but Grace isn’t there.

Eleanor feels like she is disappearing into the house and has a heart to heart with the statue of Hugh Crain: “We killed her, you and I, Hugh Crain.” Theo tells Markway to find his wife and she’ll take Eleanor out of there, but Eleanor wants to stay in Hill House and not be frightened or alone any more. She runs into the library, where the sickroom smell is gone. The camera pans up the spiral staircase where Abigail’s caregiver hanged herself; Eleanor thinks, “I’m home, I’m home.” Then Eleanor climbs the staircase, which starts swaying (as it did when Luke tried to climb it earlier) due to a loose fixture in the ceiling. She continues climbing, and the group shows up and yells at her to come down.

Markway goes up after her; she makes it to the top and eventually he does too. BUT THEN THEY GO BACK DOWN THE STAIRS. Eleanor sees a wild-looking and disheveled Grace above the trapdoor, but no one else sees her. Somehow Markway and Eleanor make it downstairs. Markway and Luke decide to kick Eleanor out because she’s endangering herself, but she explains she doesn’t have a home and can’t go back to her sister’s. “The house wants me. The house can’t satisfy it! No one else can!” Eleanor goes on about how Grace took her place in the house.

Luke gets out of the car to get the key to the gate and take Eleanor away from the house, Eleanor hijacks the car. As she speeds through the night down the driveway, a ghostly force yanks the wheel. She sees a ghostly figure and crashes the car into a tree (the same one the carriage hit!), which kills her. When the rest of the party shows up, they discover Grace was the ghostly figure; she couldn’t find her way out of the house and doesn’t know how she got outside. Markway goes back to phone the police. Eleanor has a voice over about “we who walk here walk alone.”

Heck.

That was worth the wait.

Coming soon: does the 1999 remake hold up? (No.) What about the original novel?