The Lobster Dance

I have seen so much of Michael Douglas’s ass in the last month. Why is this happening.

Poster for Fatal Attraction: Michael Douglas as Dan Gallagher holds Glen Close as Alex Forrest; the image is torn as if a photograph ripped in two

Fatal Attraction (1987) is not as laughably bad as Basic Instinct, but it’s still bad: stereotypes about “crazy” ex-girlfriends, women having no chill in affairs or casual sex, and “women amirite.” However, my favorite part of the movie is Ellen, the small and adorable gender-nonconforming child. Faculty of Horror made fun of this child for being “gender confused,” but Ellen, along with Quincey the Dog and Whitey (yeeesh) the Rabbit, are obviously the best part of this movie, and don’t deserve the garbage their dad and Alex heap upon them.

Even better? Not one character says anything about Ellen’s gender presentation. No one tries to make her wear clothes she doesn’t like or comments about her short hair. When does that ever happen? She’s treated as totally normal, even in this mess of a film which literally can’t go 20 minutes without characters making racist comments about Japanese clients, and later, having Alex accuse Dan of being gay because he doesn’t “like” her.

So as a genderqueer, here is my tribute to my smol child Ellen, breaker of gender norms and all-around adorbs child:

Ellen getting fierce in a spotted jean vest over a blue and turquoise shirt with dog Quincey

Ellen practicing for the school play in a blue shirt with a huge lace collar and bow, holding a top hat.

Ellen in a workshirt with rolled up sleeves rolling a fruit roll-up

Ellen is the best thing this movie has to offer about gender and gender roles. Get it, kid.

Film contains: animal cruelty, stabbing, stalking, kidnapping, obsession, misogyny, casual racism, non-eco-friendly sink sex (TURN THE WATER OFF SATAN), breaking and entering, casual queerphobia, guns, choking, violence, cheating. Rated R.