Although I still haven’t seen the new Blair Witch, I did rewatch the original recently!
You have to understand, of course, teenage me was eating this fake documentary up and wanted to see it so badly, but I was too young to see it in theaters and my parents, who don’t really like horror, wouldn’t take me–ugh. So I annoyed them by watching the “documentary” about The Blair Witch Project on the SciFi Channel (now SyFy) constantly. I love folklore and I just wanted to be creeped out, okay?
Things noted while rewatching with my partner, spoilers of great strength follow, as well as mild descriptions of gore.
Both of us: WE ARE HERE FOR THESE LOCAL INTERVIEWS.
Me: It’s nice that Mike and Josh didn’t say Heather got them lost because of sexist reasons, like women can’t read maps.
Partner: Counterpoint: it was kind of implied that she screwed up because she’s a woman. I have been camping/hiking with guys like that.
Me: “Fuck-word after fuck-word” no wonder this is rated R
Me: How refreshing is it that there is not the threat of rape when your film buddies start losing their shit in the woods?
Partner: How sad is it that that’s refreshing?
Both of us: Do you even know how many bad horror movies with that appear to have that trope are on Hulu and Netflix right now?
Also both of us: PLEASE SEND US MORE HORROR FILMS DIRECTED BY QUEER WOMEN/NON-BINARY TYPES
Partner: reading the subtitles helps with the shaky camera nausea
Me: Woman after my own heart, never turning off that camera. Get that footage, Heather. GET IT.
Partner: I worry I’m Heather. What if I got someone lost while hiking? :broods:
Me, a day hiker: This isn’t super creepy until the tooth scene, but I am RIVETED
Partner, an actual camper: HELL NO I AM NEVER CAMPING IN THE WOODS AGAIN.
[regarding the bundle of sticks left in front of the tent] Me: Here at Blair Witch Enterprises, we’re committed to making quality products that are the harbingers of your death in the woods. From piles of rocks to bundles of sticks, you can rest assured that your symbol of being stalked in the woods by a supernatural force was made with only the finest organic and GMO-free products. Each bundle of sticks is loving crafted to order, and our twine, made in house, is as sturdy as it is beautiful. Inside, you’ll find hand-woven fabric containing the literal teeth of your kidnapped friend. Thank you again for choosing Blair Witch, where quality matters!
Partner: okay, Cecil Palmer, calm down.
[abandoned house scene] Both: NOPE NOPE n o p e #nope NOOOooooOOOPe nope™
Me: That scene where Mike is standing in the corner of the basement IS STILL FUCKING ME UP.
It’s strange–I didn’t find watching the movie itself that creepy either time till the abandoned house scene, but I still have that high-tension “ugh why did I watch the scary movie” unsettled feeling afterward.
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,