The Lobster Dance

Or, “I can’t call this ‘Pumpkin Spice Dick,'” a conversation with my girlfriend about Cosmo‘s weird fall-themed sex tips.

This post is NSFW: contains more cursing than usual, as well as unspeakable acts committed with PSLs.

This all started one early autumn weekend when, at 1 in the morning, my girlfriend and I attempted to read the Cosmo’s “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Tips,” not because we needed tips, but because she has chosen me as her official purveyor of all things awful (including Dinosaur Holmes), and having not read the list upon its publication, was innocent of its horrors. Regrettably we are both bisexual so the “lesbian sex tips” were clearly not intended for us.

(Real talk: hey, literally every monosexual-run publication, heteronormative or queer-focused: NON-MONOSEXUALS. FUCKING. EXIST. You want a coverall term for non-straight ladies and nonbinary types, use queer like a normal queer person, not this “lesbian this and that” bullshit. Sapphic, yes. Lesbian, no. REMEMBER THE B!)

Nevertheless, our minds were indeed blown! Who knew we lady-types could invoke actual misogynistic dirtbag and bad dom Christian Grey into our erotic fantasy life together? Or that asking your partner what she likes during sex is a good idea?* I know, right, you readers are learning so much right now, aren’t your minds blown, too?!

Because this list clearly was unsatisfactory, we decided to delve into the hell that was the fall-themed dating and sex tips for folks who have sex with cis men.

10 Hot Sex Tips for Fall*

*If you’re a cis woman dating a cis man. APPARENTLY.

1. Use your infinity scarf as cozy little bondage tool. Use it to tie his hands up while you kiss every part of his body and he’s powerless to touch you in return.

-Girl, I’m not stretching out a scarf for you. Why the–
-How would you immobilize someone with yarn-based garments. It’s sort of stretchy.
-Or wooly. And itchy. :icky dance:
-DID YOU ASK FIRST THO

2. Use a playful leaf-throwing fight as foreplay. 

-NO

Pinning someone to the ground in a leaf fight is basically three pieces of clothing away from being “woman on top.”

:BOTH LOOK INTO THE CAMERA LIKE WE’RE ON THE OFFICE:

Plus, under the leaves, no one can see you dry-hump.

-Do you know how many leaves you would need to be under to be totally hidden?
-Do people even own homes with that many leaves on the ground [nb: we live in an expensive city where owning a home with a yard with one tree would be like owning Gatsby’s mansion for us]
-Wouldn’t you see the undulating of the leaves oh no no why is this on here
-What if I got leaves in my underwear what then
-DO YOU KNOW. HOW MANY BUGS. ARE IN LEAF PILES. DO YOU.

3. Bob for apples, but on his crotch.

-Wait is this going to be like that doughnut sex tip because how would you even hollow out an apple to accommodate without hurting–

Slip a cock ring around his gourd to apply pressure at the base.

-HIS GOURD? HIS GOURD?

:both wheezing and crying:

Then hands behind your back, but oh my god ~*no teeth*~ unless specifically requested.

-How does Cosmo always manage to make sex seem like no fun? Sex should be fun if you like sex, yes?!
-Look, I enjoy sex involving penises and I just threw up in my mouth a little.
-How is this even fall-themed? I call bullshit.
-At least there wasn’t an apple.

4. Turn your seemingly infinite autumn layers into the longest striptease ever. It can seem incredibly opposite-of-sexy to be like, “Hold on. I have to take off my coat and scarf and hat and gloves and my flannel and then my tank top and also my bra,” unless you let him do all of that work, slowly and deliberately. By the time you reach your flannel, something’s getting torn off your body like whoa.

-DULL
-ALSO COLD

5. Drink your latte off his body like he’s the hot barista of your dreams.

-NO NO NO NO NONONONONONONONO
-Hey, kids, respect your local barista. They are not there for your coffee shop AU fantasies. Tip them well and don’t harass them.

Try taking your not-as-hot-as-it-is-when-you-first-get-it-duh spicy cinnamon latte and dripping it onto his — ahem — chest. (Bonus points if you get creative with location.) Then lick it up, sip by sip.

-But, my nice sheets…
-What if you used a tarp?
-A tarp is not sexy. Neither is a lukewarm latte. That’s horrible.
-Also: pumpkin spice yeast infection.

6. Wear your skimpy summer clothes and satisfy your beach nostalgia with a sexy massage. Warm each other up with massages like you’re applying sunscreen and then prepare to go in the water. What’s that? You can’t swim? Looks like he’ll have to give you mouth to mouth.

-Frankly my dear, that’s not very eco friendly.
-Hey, girl, wanna rub this sunscreen all over me? NO, YOU MISSED THAT SPOT ON MY NECK I WILL BURN
-Drowning is not sexy.
-Do you want me to do chest compressions and pinch your nose, too? I’m Red-Cross certified! Well. I was. When I was 12.

7. Have him blindfold you and tickle sensitive parts with fall’s naughty-yet-gorgeous foliage. Have him run a leaf (vibrant, but not yet crunchy) up and down your body, brushing your nipples and vulva along the way. It’s a game of “how much teasing can you take” and everyone wins.

-“Naughty yet gorgeous foliage.” What the what.
-When we went hiking last year did you ever think, “Oh hey I want to have sex with that leaf specifically?”
-No.
-What about that on Thanksgiving tablescape with all the leaves?
-Fuck you. I worked hard on that.
-I’m allergic to basically everything, and again, bugs and dirt and leaf particles. It might as well be “have sex on the beach in the sand.”
-Sorry, I’m still thinking about that tablescape. That was a good tablescape.

8. Sneak away from your apple-picking trip for a covert makeout session under the branches. Bite into an apple and have him lick the juice off your lips. (Or if things really heat up, your other lips.) There’s a reason why so many couple go apple-picking: they all secretly wish they could do the exact same thing. Be the couple who does.

-WELP THERE’S THE APPLE SEX
-No juice should ever be applied to genitals. This is a PSA from your friendly neighborhood AFAB folks.
-Sticky sticky oh god I hate being sticky
-The last time I was in an apple orchard was in Takayama, and not only was it pretty open but I was carrying a kitchen knife [for eating the apples – it was 食べ放題] and, because it was spray-free, I was also getting chased by bees. Running with a sharp knife doesn’t scream “romance” to me.

9. Drizzle hot apple cider on your nipples for him to lick off. Maybe you accidentally spilled and that’s where it landed. I’m just saying.

:wringing hands:
-Does she mean “apple syrup”? How do you drizzle cider, specifically onto a relatively small surface area?
-How? And WHY

10. Get ready for winter by having secret agent sex inside your long coats. Role-play that you’re in a 1960s spy movie about some kind of bank heist and anyone could walk by at any time and catch you. Hot.

-Earlier, when we read that one “14 Great Things about Having a Fall Boyfriend” and I said how #4-5 was basically Hugh Dancy’s Will Graham, who is also MY type? “Nervous yet bold,” wears glasses, loves sweaters and flannel?

-Yeah?
-Well, I think I have read at least two fanfics about *someone* borrowing a coat. Oh, and a scarf.
-But is the author into Johnlock, too? Both those shows have people in nice long coats. Why not just suggest “role play Johnlock or Hannigram”?
-It IS always fall or winter in Hannibal. I’m just saying.

—

Just in case you’re curious, the author of all of these pieces, Lane Moore, said in an AfterEllen interview that she didn’t identify as straight or cis and wanted to write more pieces about queerness and be more gender neutral, but it’s just a long stream of “boyfriend” this and “woman on top” that and LGBT coverage that sounds a little off. Bad writing doesn’t change your sexuality or gender identity or your feminist identity, but where is the gender-neutral queer feminist content? What happened to “I never write about how to please your man. I don’t think I could if I tried. And if you read the things we’re writing for the site today, you would see that’s a pretty outdated misconception”? Why is the editor choosing photos of couples that appear to be men with women (and white) 90% of the time? Why is all the sex and dating content about cis men, and then when we get something queer it’s like “the fuck is this?”–“opposite gender”? THERE ARE NO OPPOSITES.  Also, STOP WITH THE FREAKING “LESBIAN” LABEL FOR ALL QUEER WOMEN. Moore, are they making you write only this badly informed heterocentric business? We all need the money, but come the hell on. This is ridiculous.

Notes

*I’ll save you the trouble of reading the full list but it generally boiled down to “rub her clitoris while kissing her and touching her breasts,” to the point where I was saying this phrase like a robot, but whenever I try to channel a robot, I sound like a Dalek. I encourage you to imagine this.

** Fall Boyfriend:

4. Boys in sweaters = heaven. Is there anything cuter than a boy in a sweater? Well, maybe a boy in a sweater with glasses. Who also looks nervous yet bold. No, I do not have a type, why do you ask?
5. Knowing that when you’re around him, he would gladly give you his coat, hat, scarf, and ~*cute boy sweater*~ if you forgot yours or need additional ones. It’s like a second closet that also smells like him. ❤